OK, so turns out I’m not perfect. Who knew??
There are some things in my life that aren’t going according to plan. I know I know, Women make plans and God laughs… but seriously, can’t I catch a break? Can’t just one thing, one job, one relationship, one day go the way I wanted it to??
I found myself circling these thoughts non-stop for several weeks. Wake up, its too early! Why am I up this early? Ugh this sucks! Go to work, ick there are people there! *groan* I have too much to do (or worse I have nothing to do but I still have to be there). Drive home, UGH this takes too long!! Get home, why is there never any food for me?? OVER AND OVER again on repeat. In case you missed it, this is the part where I am definitely not perfect.
Have you ever caught yourself in a routine of negative complaining? Did you notice how exhausting it is? That’s the part that got me. I didn’t catch the complaining, negative, draining force I was morphing into… I felt how weary my body and soul were.
So, I went to work. I set out to refill my batteries the best way I know how. With organization and checklists. I made a goal of reading 1 chapter every morning, no excuses. I found encouraging passages and taped them up in my bedroom. I listened to more Christian music in my car. I really focused on my routine. I felt productive but didn’t feel rested. I was still running on fumes. What was I missing?
One morning I opened my Bible to Hosea. God told Hosea to marry a prostitute, and then name his children ‘Jezreel’ (the place where God was going to punish Israel), ‘No Mercy’, and ‘Not My People’. Basically, God was pretty mad at Israel. Then things got really bad for Hosea. He had to go through a bunch of horrible stuff (Anger, Betrayal, Fear, Resentment, PAIN), so God could teach he and Israel a few lessons.
After reading this amazing story, I knew that the only way to help the pain, the frustration, and anger was to tell Jesus. The only person I hadn’t told my story to, and the only person who could actually do anything about it.
“God, this sucks. There are all these things happening and I don’t see why. God, I am angry. I’m uncomfortable. And it just doesn’t seem fair. I know you are LORD. I know you have a plan. But help me to see the light at the end of this tunnel. Help me to find joy and peace. And thank you for helping me, especially when I don’t come to you first”.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, ‘She just said SUCKS to GOD in a prayer!’, and you’re right I did. But Jesus and I are cool like that, so move on.
Now, can I tell you how much of a difference that little prayer made? I had the same day I’d been having for months. The same things that frustrate me STILL exist. The same people are there. But, when I stopped complaining, and started praying, some silver linings began to appear. Opportunities that I hadn’t noticed came to light. When I stopped complaining to everyone else, and took my problems to Jesus, the solutions became possible.
Looking back, praying first was the first thing I should have done. It turns out when you talk to God, he can help you through the hurt, and pain, and whatever else you have in your life. WHO KNEW??
I don’t know how its all going to work out, I’m still in the middle of most of it. I’m still struggling the same struggle. But I am looking for the answer God has for me, and I’m talking to Him along the way. And that is making all the difference.